I think I’m experiencing a critical lack of motivation. I don’t know. Is it motivation that is lacking? Is it confidence? Is it the fact that I’d rather binge watch Shameless on Netflix than do anything else right now? Am I making excuses to get out of doing what I need to do or am I giving myself a much needed (desired?) break? Is it that life (and basement flood #2) keeps getting in the way of what I need to do?
It’d be great if I could blame things not getting done on time. As in, ” I don’t have enough hours in the day. There is just no possible way to fit anything else in.” And while I know this is the reality for many of you, it isn’t for me. I’m busy, no question. But not all the time.
Admitting this makes me cringe because that means there is some lack of time management happening or some level of laziness, right? At least, that is what my Inner Superwoman says. Lazy. Poor time management. And I worry she’s right.
Actually, I know she’s right. Sometimes. But I also know that I am not generally a lazy person that is unable to manage my time. The truth is that I am Both. I am Both someone that can be lazy with no sense of focus and someone that is a hard worker that can stick to a kick-ass schedule.
Both.
I am Both positive and negative, light and dark, spring and winter. The trouble starts when I start to focus on all the sides of Both that I don’t particularly like about myself. That’s when I start to slow down, shut down, and go down. That’s when I all I see is how unmotivated I am or how much more I should have accomplished. That’s when I feel bad about myself. That’s when I can be blind to what I DID accomplish.
However, focusing on my progress and my effort and my intention generally leads to feeling much better about myself. It even helps me keep (or get) myself going in a direction that feels satisfying. And when I’m feeling good, I’m much more open to accepting that I am Both.
It does sometimes feel like I am continually having to re-accept that I am Both. I have been known to fight this even though I know better. Both is just human nature. It is not in my control to eliminate the side of Both I don’t want. Both is just a part of life. Both is just who I am.
Sorry to say, but I’m not unique in this. I also don’t think I’m unique in beating myself up about what isn’t “right” about me. And I don’t think I’m unique in wanting to stop being so hard on myself. I think it can be hard for all of us to accept all the parts of ourselves.
But if you’re looking for peace, the path is acceptance. You can fight against the parts of yourself you want to get rid of or you can accept the reality of Both, stop making yourself feel so miserable about not being perfect, and appreciate you.
So in honor of Both-ness, I offer up me.
I am both:- motivated and lazy
- confident and insecure
- selfless and selfish
- kind and mean
- thoughtful and thoughtless
- energetic and exhausted
- dependable and flaky
- fun and boring
- genuine and hypocritical
- peaceful and chaotic
- hopeful and pessimistic
- sometimes I get stuff done and sometimes I don’t
- sometimes I do what I say I will and sometimes I don’t follow through
- sometimes I am an attentive mom and sometimes I just wish it was quiet
- sometimes I am the friend I want to be and sometimes I isolate away
- sometimes I can let go and sometimes I can’t
- sometimes I’m the one to call and sometimes you’d be better off calling a brick
- sometimes I have the courage to live big and sometimes I crawl into a tiny hole and hide
- sometimes I do life the way I’d like and sometimes I go to bed disappointed in myself for not going all carpe diem
Oddly enough, it was very comforting to write out all of that. It reminds me that “sometimes” is an important word. “Perfect” is useless to me. I’m not perfect and I need to let Miss Inner Superwoman know that she is out of line when she chastises me for being Both.
Both is all there is. Both is where it’s at. Both is beautiful…
