I QUIT…

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.-Buddha

I’m going to tell you about how I recently quit.  I didn’t turn in my notice at a job.  I didn’t walk out in a huff from a job.  I quit working on Megan Roth Healing.  I quit writing.  I quit working towards creating the Facebook support group I so wanted to create.  I quit following up on my tech education so I would know what the hell I was doing.  I basically quit the dream I have had for almost two years.  I quit.  And I felt like shit.  Because I quit something that mattered to me.

I was feeling overwhelmed and under-qualified.  Who am I to share anything about life when I struggle in my own?  That is the thought that has been on replay in my mind.  I’ve had a hard year.  I know I’m not alone in this.  I have friends and clients that have struggled this year as well.  But while I have been able to support them, I did not afford myself the same kindness.

The thing is that I don’t judge anyone else for the difficulties they encounter or their down times or the times when their best is just getting through the day. 

But I judge myself.  Hard.  Like in the failure zone.  The things I think about myself I would never think about someone else.  I’m actually super good at feeling empathy and compassion for those around me.  I’m just not so good at feeling it for myself.

I never have been.  Here’s a snapshot of my thoughts…

I always should be more positive than I’m being.  I should be a better mother than I am.  I should be thinner than I am (a lifetime of that one).  I should get up earlier than I am.  I should be a better wife than I am.  I should be a better daughter and sibling than I am.  I should be a better dog owner than I am.

I shouldn’t let my kids eat dino-nuggets or hot dogs or so many potato chips.  I should be cooking super healthy meals everyday so my kids learn to love avocados and celery instead of chips and candy.  I should be exercising more and going to barre class 4-5 times a week consistently, no matter what.  My house should be cleaner.  I should be blogging all the time since I put so much effort into my new website.  I should be calmer at all times and in all circumstances.  I should be more perfect.  I should be beyond perfect.  I should not ever feel unsettled.  I should never feel upset.

And there’s even MORE...

I should feel the benefits of meditation at all times.  I should feel grateful at all times.  I should feel great love my hard kid, no matter what she does (call 911 because she has to pick up her brothers’ toy, runs away, talks to me like I am the scum of the earth…).  I should feel love always for my son because he is the easy one and I should never get frustrated with mistakes he makes (taking my phone when told not to, occasional lying, not following directions, throwing an all-out fit over ???).  I should always hold it together with my husband (when he leaves dirty dishes in the basement, when he creates the same mess the kids do, when he tells me I’m “probably just tired”).

Do you relate to ANY OF THESE THINGS?????

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You may have noticed the significant use of the word “should”.  I’ve even written about how we shouldn’t get trapped by should.  And here I am, living in a world of should.  So who am I to think I have anything to share?  I struggle, so I have nothing to share.

But there is this idea out there that you are never going to feel ready enough or perfect enough to do the things that burn in your soul and that you should (carefully used) do anyway.  This idea was what made me realize that it is getting through the struggles that matters.  Maybe I do it well sometimes and maybe I fuck it up sometimes.  But I feel like maybe it’s more important to share how I fuck it up and then try to move on than how I’m doing so great.

I have days where I rock it.  I have days where I probably couldn’t do worse short of murdering someone.  But I am on my own path.  And my path is not smooth and my path doesn’t seem to be straight.  I take steps forward and backwards. 

I had a close friend tell me that she wished I could forgive myself for not being perfect.

I started paying attention to the viciousness I sling at myself that I would never, ever sling at another living thing.  And then I had this thought that maybe it would be okay to share reality.  The ups and the downs.  The successes and the so-called failures.  The times I feel fab and why.  The times I feel like the biggest loser and why.

I used to hope that I would get to a point that I wouldn’t ever feel badly about myself.  I now know that this is an unrealistic expectation.  I now know that, as the Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

I know this.  I really do.  But sometimes I make myself the exception– I don’t really deserve it.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one.  The reality is, there is no exception.  I deserve my own love and affection.  And so do you.

I un-quit  😀